Salutations, Dirt Dishers!

Marjorie F. Mulariad here, and I'm back yet again with another issue of Dear Marge, hot off the press!

I know you've been waiting, and when the people require, nay, demand their fill of gossip, news, advice, and completely factual reporting, who am I to deny them?

News and Rumours

ROMANCE GONE AWRY!

First up, yet another sizzling hot development in the unfolding Eaku-Traice saga! So tangled is this web of romantic spectacle that even I have given up on keeping up! While protest runs rampant and denial is in the air, it seems the Underking Himself has chosen to get involved. With Presiding Voice Bhalwyn cutting down Mr. Legare and a cold hex befalling the Duiran Council, one can only wonder how the strings of Eaku's heart must ache to see such trial and tribulation visited upon his betrothed. When asked for comment, the Underking regrettably declined to respond. Is Traice the latest in a string of doomed Arbiters*? Could talks of a curse upon the role hold any weight? Only time will tell.

* Underking Funeral Services Inc. provide a competitive service with minimal fuss. Emotionlessness and sombre mourning guaranteed. Standard terms and conditions apply. No refunds in the event of unsanctioned resurrection, reanimation, or undeath-related transmogrification. Say goodbye with stoicism today.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR...EN?

It seems that winter has done nothing to chill the balmy grip of romance in the air, as we have yet another engagement to announce! Our congratulations go out to Tzarentesh and Aren Visara-Yaslana! Several sources report that this budding liaison began over a heated meet-up in the Mhojave Desert and has blossomed into something quite profound. No date is set yet for the wedding, but we've no doubt it will be a grandiose affair - the Mhun's seemingly pronounced distaste for the arts, musical and performative, notwithstanding. Congratulations once again to the happy couple!

CONQUERERS CONQUERED!

And while Tzarentesh and Aren stare at each other across the bloody carnage of a violent battlefield, yes, that means war has come to Sapience once again! Defiant in the face of their defeat by Spinesreach, the Sanguine Fist once more took up arms against the Dragon in warfare. After masses of sacrifices and rumours of a wall of bones being built in the heart of the sweltering sands, Bloodloch's war machine, unfortunately, found itself ground once more to a halt, thrown down by the Spirean advance. Morale remains high in the blood caverns, however, and Commander Yettave, known across the land as an unyielding bulwark, remains implacable. "May we never know peace," says the Tyrant, and she seems likely to get her wish!

OPHIDIAN OVERTURES!

Following the heinous massacre in Rock Bottom from last week's issue, rumours of an upset Empress Agra can now be confirmed! With threats made between the Kobold leader and Regent Elene of Spinesreach, tensions between Rock Bottom and the Northern Dragon continued to escalate. While the Regent extended the arm of her questionable diplomacy skills, it seemed that open warfare was swiftly becoming an inevitability after divisions of Ophidian troops struck first - cutting down innocent Spirean citizens passing through the Liruma.

Many of these Ophidians, when questioned, cited "probable cause" as a justification for their attacks, but we have seen first-hand the warmongering ways of Rock Bottom. We know the duplicitous betrayals of the Ophidian. Now, what once were the maddened ravings of a deranged Kobold seem to have entranced an entire city... and the drums of war may yet break the tensions which remain inflamed and threatening to erupt at any time.

Rumours of impending warfare have even reached Sehal where, in league with these serpentine aggressors, the Impire has launched construction of a sizeable guardhouse, said to house several hundred soldiers. Will the Imps now go to war as they once did? Are whispers of a Djeirani alliance - an entente said to be threatened by one audacious Gnome's failed attempt at espionage - to be believed? Will conflict wrack the Liruma once more?

I hope so!

ARCHMAGE ADVENTURE?

Many were alerted in the early days of winter to Archmage Eliadon, easily recognisable by the polished sheen of his bald head, publicly requesting the services of an Ascendril to send him to Rahiela. What secrets could the Plane of Fire hold that the Archmage couldn't acquire with his own magicianship? Are his own powers defective? Is his hairlessness truly the result of a bad gamble with a capricious Djinn and an errant fireball meant for another? Those with information should write to me at once! Anonymity guaranteed!

Ask Marjorie

Marjorie, someone I know is having a crisis of faith and feels purposeless. Do you think someone should know what purpose they are striving for, or should they rely on a third person to give them that?

Dear reader,

While there might be some appeal in choosing your own way, I have to ask: why go through the trouble of soul-searching when you can just outsource your purpose to the local oracle, priest, or God? Not everyone is designed to be the instrument of their own destiny, after all. And isn't it just easier to let someone else do the heavy lifting for you? Personal growth can be overrated, just be sure not to mix up your destiny with someone else's. That happened to me once, and spending a month as someone's fairy godmother was quite enough for me.

Marjorie, I've accidentally enchanted my broom to sweep non-stop, and now it's not only taken over my house, but my neighbours think I'm a witch. What do I do?!

Dear reader,

Something like this can be taken in two ways -- first, consider the upsides of having a clean house all of the time and the time you'll save not having to do the work yourself. Then, should your neighbours act suspicious, you can safely blame the magical malfunction on a training accident from your new role with the Ascendril. Your friends will be so impressed that they'll forget all their worries - so long as you don't go bald. Nobody trusts a bald witch or wizard.

Marjorie, is it better to marry for love or for wealth?

Dear reader,

Many would say that love is its own wealth, but they would be wrong. A loveless marriage is far easier to tolerate than a life of poverty. Kisses don't put food on the table, now do they? Infatuation certainly doesn't pay those bills that are stacking up! They say love conquers all, but when you've got a leak in your roof and five mouths to feed, you can't feed them on romance, can you? Take my advice - pick someone with gold in their purse, not in their heart.

Marjorie, what does the F stand for?

I'm glad you asked, dear reader. The F was bestowed upon me while I was an advisor in the court of the Imp Queen. I stumbled into this position after a recommendation from a field officer whose life I saved as a Liruma war medic, which you'll recall was a career I chose after abandonment by the nuns who took me in following parental absconsion. It stands, of course, for Fearless, as one must be when speaking truth to power and the world at large.

That's all I have time for this week! Remember, if you need advice, have a philosophical question, or gossip to submit, you need only send it to Marjorie F. Mulariad in the Grand Library at v81000! Advice free of charge!

Until next time, Scandal Seekers!

Penned by my hand on Falsday, the 15th of Sapiarch, in the year 6 AC.