Tidings, tattle-tales! And not of the dark nor glad variety, but the salacious, curtain-twitching kind. Only the good stuff at Dear Marge!

Once again the letters have been pouring in and I've been absolutely swamped! Sapience once more proves its thirst for truth, its passion for prose, its slavering for scandal! And it is of course Marjorie's duty to oblige!

News and Rumours

Let's begin this issue by announcing an engagement! Yes! Word has reached my ears of a courtship between Traice Legare and Eaku Redwood. War and bloodshed has united these star-crossed lovers and where better to find love than in the smoking ruins of disheveled corpses and battlefield detritus. Romance is truly in the air for the happy couple!

In related news, the drums of war beat for Enorian and Duiran! Blood has watered the Ithmias for weeks on end now as the Guardians of Dia'ruis and the Hammer of Dawn trade blows in a conflict some say originates from Amyie Silverain. Some say it because it happens to be true! Oh yes, our expert investigative journalists have done plenty of digging and have made a bombshell discovery: a method of reversing the Akkari ascended status has been found!

With Enorian on the warpath for the alleged* murder of a precious Rewh'van symbiote, the question on all of our minds is: How will the Host handle this hiring crisis?

The Gods Celezor and Haern, backed up by Slyphe and Dhar have been vociferous in Their support for those sworn to Them, with the Righteous Accord having even incinerated a slew of soliads personally. If the Divine are entering the fray, this could truly spell catastrophe for any and all caught in the crossfire. The Hammer's condemnation, however, suggests that tensions are guaranteed to escalate. And who doesn't love that!

* No charges have been brought against Amyie Silverain and she is presumed innocent at this time.

Meanwhile, the machinations of Hammerhead continue! The mysterious crimelord has issued further threats and ominous suggestions of a deal gone bad with Enorian. No doubt the Kelki are once more involved, but it seems the team of intrepid Spirean investigators have hung up their hats at this time. Be sure to read the last issue for infallible advice on the proper handling of Kelki highwaymen!

Next we turn our eyes south to Bloodloch where, following a near-miss city capture by Spinesreach and a surrender state seemingly doomed to end only in the eruption of a second war, constant Spirean raids seek to ravage the Empire's morale for the coming conflict. The Sanguine Fist, in turn, are reported to have undertaken some kind of sacrificial ritual involving an earthen wyrm of Azvosh, followed by hysterical chanting about peace and war.

Could this renewed focus on the earthen ways signal yet another restructuring of Bloodloch - currently an Empire under conquest? I hope so!

Ask Marjorie

Marjorie, what does grahaha mean?

Our sources suggest that "grahaha", often emphasised as "GRAHAHA" is an ancient Ithmian war cry. The phrase - if it can be called that - likely originates with the Raven tribe, given its pitch and timbre. I would not recommend invoking it, however, unless you yourself are of similar origin or philosophical leanings, lest you be mistaken by Enorian witchhunters (as always, see the Order of Celezor for a competitive quote for matters of magical malfeasance), for a soliad sympathiser.

Marjorie, I want to grow big and strong like Boube. How do I do that?

First, it's important to be a Kobold. This step cannot be skipped, as the secret to true growth lies in executing a perfectly enunciated "YIP!" This may take years of practice, during which you can pass the time training physically, mentally, and soulfully in order to increase your strength. Many would suggest that the exercise and regimen are the true source of strength, but those people are fools who fail to understand both the mythological nature of the Kobold people and the many travails which they have overcome**.

You must also eat a lot of broccoli, and practice shouting three times a day. Fortunately for many of you, coherence in the latter is not a requirement.

** Requests have been made for information on the whereabouts of Kobold youngsters scouring the land. Dear Marge unequivocally denounces the Kobold killers, and will not cooperate with their investigation.

Marjorie, is it better to have a wife who is beyond approach, or beyond reproach?

What a question! This is precisely the sort of problem that I was made to solve! There is of course no completely clear cut answer here, dear reader, as the question comes down largely to preference and context. Many might say that one beyond reproach is desirable solely on the grounds of impeccable character, but in my vast and storied experience, a relationship cannot be built solely on righteousness and purity. A dash of moral turpitude adds spice, excitement, and uncertainty - all of which are an essential part of a good romance recipe.

Conversely, the notion of being beyond approach is an interesting one. While certainly preferable to the tedium of high moral fibre, one must take great care not to violate your home nation's stalking policies. Approach - quite literally, ha - with caution!

Marjorie, what does the "F" stand for?

I'm glad you asked, dear reader. The F was bestowed upon me during my time in an old Salurian convent. I was raised by the nuns there after my adoptive parents (who, you'll recall, selfishly took me in following abandonment by my blood relatives) left me on the doorstep as a young girl, alone and scared. It stands, of course, for Flammable.

That's all I have time for this week! Remember, if you need advice, have a philosophical question, or gossip to submit, you need only send it to Marjorie F. Mulariad in the Grand Library at v81000! Advice free of charge!

Until next time, Scandal Seekers!

Penned by my hand on Closday, the 4th of Lexadian, in the year 5 AC.