Greetings Nosy Neighbours!

Marjorie F. Mulariad here and I'm back with the hotly anticipated first issue of Dear Marge!

I simply can't believe the reception to my announcement. The letters have been rolling in and I've been delighted to read them. Who knew there was such a thirst for truth? Such a hunger for scandal? Such aching hearts longing for counsel?

Well, me of course!

News and Rumours

Sapience trembled this week after a thrilling three-way bloodbath took place in the Tarblack Marshes. While magic and mayhem reigned amidst the chaos and carnage of Bloodloch, Duiran, and Spinesreach all trading blows between each other, many say it was the caimans who truly won the day, feasting on those caught unawares in the famously treacherous mire. Mind your feet, readers, or you'll find yourselves in a sticky situation!

Meanwhile, rumours abound in Enorian that a Golban guard has been seen stealing from the Calonderiel Cafe! Could such a thing be true? Can a craving for cake and confectionary truly overcome duty to the Light? Of course - we deal only in truth and fact here at Dear Marge. Discipline that guard at once!

There continue to be sightings of suspicious Kelki in Rimewatch and other places abroad. These vicious highwaymen have proven dexterous at separating unwitting adventurers from their belongings and personal wealth. In continued service to the nation, my experts have provided the following advice in order to safeguard your valuables:

1. Carry everything about your person.

2. Do not trust the corrupt Esterport bank.

3. You may be told to "stand and deliver". Do not do this under any circumstances. Standing and delivering has been proven to carry an eighty-four percent fatality rate.

Ask Marjorie

Marjorie, I've recently found out that my sibling is dabbling with chaos magic. This is creating division between us. What should I do?

A discovery like this can be distressing, and it's only natural that you may be feeling emotions ranging from fear, to confusion, to concern. The important thing to remember is that they're still your sibling, and are deserving of your compassion and understanding. They may also be struggling with how people react to discovering their magical dabblings. I'd recommend seeking out your local library and researching the subject for yourself. Understand the dangers and properly communicate them in a way that helps your sibling understand why you're so distressed.

Should this approach fail, it is important that you not put yourself in danger. I would always recommend keeping a witchhunter or inquisitor on retainer, to deal with any magical malfeasance before it can cause you harm. Contact the Order of Celezor to arrange a competitive quote.

Marjorie, what is the fastest way to lose weight?

Ah, this is one of the most commonly asked questions. Many will tell you to exercise, but that does not solve an underlying problem caused by gluttony. However, if you try this one simple trick to manage portions, you'll never go hungry again and the pounds will start falling off you: simply divide all your meals in half. Then you can eat twice as much and still feel good about yourself!

Marjorie, are all Kelkis criminals?

No, not all Kelki are criminals. However, see above for my unbeatable advice should you run afoul of a Kelki highwayman. You never know with the fish people.

Marjorie, what does the "F" stand for?

I'm glad you asked, dear reader. The F was bestowed upon me by my adoptive parents after they selfishly took me in following abandonment by my blood relatives (a long-standing practice for those bearing this accursed name, I am told). It stands, of course, for Fortuona.

That's all I have time for this week! Remember, if you need advice, have a philosophical question, or gossip to submit, you need only send it to Dear Marge in the Grand Library at v81000.

Until next time, Scandal Seekers!

Penned by my hand on Falsday, the 1st of Ivolnos, in the year 5 AC.